So Long 2013.

Goodbye 2013. 

We had some good times...a lot of rough patches. 

Hard choices.

New Friends.

New Adventures.

and finding out who I truly am...although that will continue for a long time.

Every year is something new to learn about yourself, something else to be inspired by.

So Here's to 2014.

May it be all you (and I) ever wanted, dreamed, and more.

XO

"Resolution One: I will live for God. Resolution Two: If no one else does, I still will."

Jonathan Edwards

"All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives." 

Steven Spielberg

"Write it on your hear that every day is the best day in the year." 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Reflections.

As is obvious today is the last Sunday of 2013. And in 2 days is the last day of 2013. Over the past week I have done a lot reflecting over the year. Honestly there isn't a whole lot I did different. School. Work. Summer camp. Nothing "oh so exciting." But soon I got to the nitty-gritty stuff. My time. How I spent it. My actions. How I used/misused them. My money. How I spent/didn't spend it wisely. But most importantly, how I followed Christ in the last year.

THAT. that was the kicker, I began to realize all these things that had become distractions. and only those. Biggest example: Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I really like Facebook, and as someone who has many friends/ family living far away I love keeping up with people. But it is a BIG waste of my time. 90% of the time instead of doing something when I am bored, and finding something to do, such as read, or watch a good old movie, I get on Facebook, why? it's accessible. This has not only played a part in how much time I have spent with the Lord, but also school. What if instead of getting on Facebook, I studied ahead? That's a splendid idea. What about exercising? Also a splendid idea. How about blogging more often? 

All these things I have taken into major consideration in part of my "new years resolutions list." Now I am not going to be a drill sergeant and "make myself exercise 10x weekly" or anything so exhausting as that, but I have decided I will be deleting my Facebook, as a favor to myself. And I am so looking forward to what the new year brings. I believe I may find myself even more this year than ever before.


P.S.
Other items on my New Years Resolutions list:
eat healthier
be more active

because who can doubt being more healthy is on everyone's list! ;)  

Christmas Day.

I love this time of year. Getting to be with family, etc. But every year, I have to remind myself how blessed I am. In my "world", there isn't a lot of poverty, there aren't a lot of people I know that go hungry. Everyone celebrates Christmas and gets gifts. It's a good smack in the face sometimes to realize not everyone lives the life I live. 

Now I don't come from a super well off family, and I'm fine with that. I enjoy them and enjoy working hard for what I have. Yes, sometimes it's tough to try and balance work and school and church, and all other activities, but such is life for me. I wouldn't change it for anything. The Lord has blessed me, and what a better time to declare thankfulness than now in this time of year. 

Winter Months.

There is a certain curse that the winter months hold. Something that makes your heart ache for warmth. Something that makes you never want to leave the place you all home. The worst though, is that feeling of being alone. Sometimes you just want to drink a cup of coffee with someone. Sometimes you want to snuggle up under a blanket in front of a fire, with someone else there to hold you.

There most definitely is a curse that winter seems to bring. Being alone does not seem so bitter in the summer time, when you can adventure, and spend time out doors. But the walls that keeps us out of the cold seem to hold us hostage in a sense, and everything seems more grey.

However. There is beauty in this too. What a blissful time to be alone. To drink that coffee alone, and just think. To read a book, or watch a movie, or for once just enjoy the silence.

Yes, even in bitterness there can be bliss.

College.

oh my goodness, in hopes of making this post short i will jump right in....

this weekend i was blessed with the privilege of visiting Kansas State University. with a full tank of gas and an excited heart i set out with a friend to visit the biggest college i have visited to date.


HOLE. E. COW! what a beautiful campus! if you haven't seen it, look up pictures! it's beautiful. and although the school is home to 25,000 students it does not feel that large at all. (although my jaw did drop when i saw Hale Library, which is every definition of the word massive. it has five floors! i was pretty much in awe)

while visiting my friend and i got to be part of "campus life" by going to a musical (which my friend got the lead role in and i couldn't be more proud! he was phenomenal) and then we also got to go to a men's basketball game....although KSU lost by 2 to UNC, it was still a good experience.

from the bookstore and donut shop, to the deli and coffee shop, it's easy to understand why Aggeville is such a great location in Manhattan. it was lovely.

after visiting, we saw my grandparents and then traveled to sterling kansas and got a cup of coffee from  the Broadway Market...it was bliss. simply put.

after this weekend of adventures i enjoyed the presence of some of my dearest friends and then proceeded to drive home...once i got home at 12.30am the reality of my weekend extravaganza hit me hard....now all i want to do is sleep...but homework calls me....as usual...so away i go.

my dear.

i am absolutely in love with this day! after having my wisdom teeth out this weekend, i have been "taking it easy." which for me just means i haven't been working. today i had school and then went about the town. i went to starbucks, and went to a local clothing store. as well as the much-have-trip to walmart. i then went around the town snapping photos for a video i have to put together.

i discovered a song that my ears cannot stop listening to! it's a worship song with kind of a folksy tune to it. banjo. accordion. the whole bit. i love it!

so here i am listening to it, while drinking a cup of coffee. {decaf of course, i don't need to stay up all night}

my dear.<< This is the song

beauty.

being generally lazy for more than 2 days can wear on a girl. i had my wisdom teeth taken out, and although i am happy i have been able to "catch up" on some sleep, it gets old really quickly. through all this though, i have thoroughly enjoyed watching Andy Griffith, and doing some school work, and applying for different school etc. i have also crocheted. a lot. and i have loved every moment the Lord has blessed me with.

finding yourself.

over the last few weeks i have realized something about myself. many of my posts i have mentioned busyness. i have realized busyness is part of who i am. i love the busyness.

i get overwhelmed. and challenged. and busy. and i love it.

i don't like having nothing to do. i don't like relaxing to much. i don't like not learning new things. i love the adventure. i love the thrill. i love being successful and pushing myself to succeed.

it's fun learning things about yourself.
what you like.
what you don't.
what you want.
what your dreams are.
where you want to go.
what you want to be.
what you love.

there is such beauty in finding yourself.

such is life.

honestly, i am surprised i didn't blog before this. although the summer time festivities and the beginning of school can catch anyone off guard.

so summer was quick. filled with wonderful weather. music. friendships. and the majority of time at work, but that's no fun to talk about...

starting school started new adventures. i started working as a barista the week before school. i adore it. absolutely and utterly adore it. although i am still learning.
school is school. business classes can be interesting, although i would much prefer them if they were in a less heated environment considering the air conditioning is not working. feeling sweat run down your face is not pleasant while trying to pay attention to the professor.

church has been growing. we started a service on saturdays, which will hopefully attract many of my peers. in time we shall see.

amidst all this. my mind just wanders. i just want to know what i am going to be doing in a year from now. however do people survive this unknowingness of being an adult? it drives me mad. it was easy growing up. school seemed like it would never end. and here is my end. plus a year. almost two. sometimes i wish God would just give me a preview of what i will be doing. just so i can know.

such is life. the unknowingness. so i guess i will just continue to live. live the way i know how. school. work. church. crocheting. reading. listening to dean martin. journaling. studying. blogging. coffee. tea. playing music. friends.
and generally trying to get to the years where i know i am supposed to be.

sundays.

i know i post on sundays a lot. but of any other day of the week i love this day the most. and apparently it is my most eventful day of the week.

today was wonderful. in every way. last night i was up, wondering and pondering some things. and today. shocker. what i was thinking about was what pastor spoke about. i was able to be a part of the worship team. which is always a blessing. after church i got to go to our pastors house with some other friends and then i helped with youth group. and went to a movie.

by far though, the best part of the night was with my friend jeni. she is so sweet. and loves the Lord with a pure heart. she and i were discussing what we really thought the Lord was calling us to. she so blessed me tonight. at one point she wanted to show me a worship song "Oceans" by Hillsong (it's fantastic) and she asked if it was alright if we just turned off the light. and just focused on Him. what a blessing it is to have friends that desire to seek His face with you.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 
Let me walk upon the waters, where ever You would call me. 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior.

"Oceans"

dead end.

i am at one of those points in life where i am standing at a dead end of the road i am so used to traveling, and i either have to choose to go left or right. decisions like this one only come so many times in life. i mean this is a big decision. the choice i make now will probably alter what will happen with my career.

for years my heart has only longed to do one thing. music. it's what i have always wanted to do. always. i love it, i love learning, and blessing people with my gift. i have dreamt of living in a little cabin near the mountains, where i can take a blanket, a guitar, a pen and paper, and make my words come to life through music. i suppose i just lived in the fantasy for the majority of my life. it is my dream.

over the last year since entering college i have thought to myself you need a real job. for a period i wanted to be a doctor. the idea of helping people, and being able to serve them sounds perfect to me. so i began this journey to becoming a doctor. right now i work at a nursing home, and i have been involved in the medical field for the last three years.

but i always have nights like tonight. where i question myself. would i be happy as a doctor? could i handle it? if i went into music, what else would i do? would i still be writing and singing when i am fifty? would i even make money at all?

the biggest question.

what does God want me to do? am i supposed to do either of these at all?

i hate this feeling. of not knowing. i absolutely hate it. because my heart has felt it for so long. my heart knows what it wants and desires. but my mind tells me something else.

Life.

A couple months ago one of my dearest friends had twins! I got to meet them for the first time on Sunday, and they are so precious, and perfect. What a blessing it is to have friends who lead lives that I would love to follow. This friend is about 5 years older than I but I treasure her friendship so much. She is a woman who loves God with everything in her. I have been able to watch her fall in love, get married, and now have babies! It is such a blessing to see someone who desires to honor Him in everything, whether that is being a good wife, a good leader, or a good mother and homemaker. I hope that someday I can be as wonderful as some of my friends are.

Bliss.

Ya'll! This past Sunday was unreal. Jesus was in our church service. He was IN our church. His presence was so thick, not a soul was untouched. I will tell you about my Sunday:

I woke up Sunday morning at 8:30, which is not early by any means, but I felt like a train had hit me. The night before I worked, at the nursing home, long story super short, we were short staffed by 2 people because they didn't come to work, so that left about 50+ residents for 3 aides to take care of. I was drained, and I really didn't want to go to sunday school that started at 9 but I went anyhow. I daydreamed some through sunday school, but I needed to stay awake. and I was going to. Another thing I need to interject is that I don't usually go to sunday school. We don't have a college aged group that meets for sunday school and so I got with the adults, and they just started a new study so I told myself I needed to go, and I did, regardless of my sleepiness.

So service started. Worship was awesome. and the Lord was moving in so many ways. Every sunday our pastor opens up the alter for people if they need prayer. I really wanted to go up, but I decided that wanting prayer for stress isn't really something God would be interested in. (yea, I was wrong about that) We continued to worship, and I could feel the Lord's love around me, and for once I didn't feel like He was just speaking to me. He was speaking to His body of believers. All of us. We continued to linger in His presence. It was so sweet. Our pastor kind of started to pray to close the alter time, and then said he really thought some people were being worked on by the Lord (ahem, me) and just felt like we should stay in alter time, and just pray and worship. At that point, I went up to the alter. There is something so sweet about doing that. Just getting past what people may think or say, and spend time with our Savior. Long story short (again) our pastor didn't even make a sermon. we didn't need one. we had felt Jesus, and danced and sang with Him. It was bliss. the most pure bliss and joy that my heart had felt in a long time. I loved looking around at my friends and church family, and just loving that they love Jesus, right along with me.

I am so blessed.

insomnia...

insomnia is by far, hands down, one hundred percent, my least favorite thing. ever.
i am a sleeper. i love sleeping. i'm talking 20 minute naps sound good to me i like sleeping so much. one of the many reasons that i love sleeping is because you close your eyes, sleep, and BOOM it's the next day. new adventures. new people. new experiences. who knows what's going to happen. but alas there are nights such as these that my mind will not be still. even for a moment.

this has been my thought process over the last 2 hours of me trying to sleep:

money.
college.
degree.
friends.
boy.
traveling.
food.
expenses.
college.
degree.
hairstyles.
work.
stress.
money.
new guitar?
new iPad?
taylor.
gibson.
taylor.
gibson.
money.
college.
Bible camp.
friends.
work.
school.
church.
youth group.
boy.
work.
finances.
hairstyles.
working out.
running.
yoga.
abs.
hairstyles.
starbucks.

ugh! if my mind only didn't think so much in a day! i work at a nursing home and almost everyday is the same. i go to work at 1:45p and get off at 10:15p. at about 7:30p my body starts to go into a lethargic mode, and i have to make myself pick up the pace, to stay awake, although with every person i dress down and put to bed, every denture i clean, and every face i wash, i desperately want to be them.
after work, i come home, take a shower, still tired. and once i hit the pillow, my body decides to rebel. so most times i stay up watching a tv show or something before i hit the hay. but there are nights like tonight that i am so beyond the point of being tired, that there is no hope for me to sleep. my body is already used to not being asleep when it needs to be. (does that make any sense?)
once i have reached this point my mind wanders to anything and everything, and i cannot for the life of me make it stop.

tomorrow i am getting my hair done. just a trim. but do i think about that? nope. i think about every single way i want my hair to look by the time i die. right now it is very long (not past my bum though, that's just to much). and blonde. at some point i want to die it brown. and then blonde again. short this time. and then maybe a pixie. ugh, who knows.

college. it starts in about a month and a half. i'm going to be a doctor. but how will i pay for all of that? (the best is the guilt of the lack of finances i have now because i am a young adult and decided in previous years it was wise to spend most of my money instead of save it.....that was a high dose of sarcasm if you didn't catch it) but somehow i must find the way to get the money i need, because i don't want to take out more loans than i have to. so next year i need to work every weekend. and most every weekday if i can. but i also have to work in the office at the college because i am a student ambassador.

guitars. i need a new one. one that doesn't sound like i should only be playing in a barn. one i can play at church, and it sounds like a real instrument. taylor. i want a taylor. very badly. but taylor's are very expensive. and i could buy one but now i also could use an ipad for school, and  it would be more of a "need" than a taylor, but i cannot get both. so now i have decided that instead of getting a taylor this summer i will get a gibson, or a fender. whatever the guitar store has. (this is the only though process that has come to a conclusion)

working out. not doing it. need to do it. period.

i will stop boring you now. i am going to try and attempt the impossible by falling once more into bed and only hoping that my body has warn out by my fingers flying across these keys. it's doubtful, but i'll try it.

xo

P.S. i am not this much of a thinker all the time. just when i can't sleep, it's pitiful.

sunday.

i wish everyday was like this sunday. church. picnic. sunshine. and music. that is what my day has consisted of so far. and a time of rest of course. and it isn't even 5 yet! i am so beyond blessed to be surrounded with people that love me, that love the Lord, and desire to serve Him. today has been such a joy to my soul.

beyond today though, and beyond today's joy, i have to continue to find joy even in days that i don't feel it. work can be stressful, and as weird as it is my heart is longing for school to start again, to get back into a routine. i am an individual driven by routine, although i love to be spontaneous, which is almost an oxymoron. i long to travel and see the world, but as for now, i am here, at home, in my routine. and i am ok with that, as long as days like today continue to exist.

friendship.

friendship. what a beautiful word. what a beautiful promise. to have someone by your side. to walk through life together. to build each other up. to give encouragement, as well as correction in love. how beautiful is this thing we take for granted. over the years, i have cherished friendships more and more. most likely because my circle of friends seems be getting smaller, and farther away from each other. i live in kansas while two of my closest friends live in minnesota, and california. what great lengths we go to talk to each other. but that's the beauty of it all, to know that even so many hours away i still have gorgeous ladies, inside and out, who care about me.
a big step in such blessed friendships is realizing who you are allowing yourself to be influenced by. this has been such a difficult lesson to me. recently i have realized that my circle of friends at the current moment, are not usually ever encouraging, or uplifting, or anything i desire in a friendship. i cannot allow myself to settle for something that is not healthy and does not draw me closer to the Lord. what a wonderful thing. to be poured into by friends. so as my gaze is becoming more heavenward, so my heart is finding people of the same spirit.
i am the happiest, right here.

making time.

never before have i felt so busy. working over 40 hours every week, can make one quite overwhelmed. but as i step into this chaos it makes me appreciate my Savior all the more. when working gets hard, i remind myself to work as if working for Him. when all i want to do is rest, i remind myself that it is time to face the day the God has given me. 

what precious times i have had with my Savior. there is such peace in His presence. playing worship music, and spending time in His Word, can do wonders for a weary soul. even in the midst of working i am trying to find ways to serve. when my head hits the pillow at night, i want to know that i gave everything i could, and i served with my heart, showing grace and mercy to those He has put in my path. what love can be shown when you work hard for the Lord. 

words.

words. thoughts. opinions. they are all so incredibly powerful. in the last few days i have been taught lesson after lesson about the influence of my words, thoughts, and opinions. i have realized that people actually care what i think, they care about my opinions, and they pay attention to what i say. this is key for us to understand. there are so many times i let things slip out of my mouth, and the only thing i can do is wish i could take back what i said, but by that time it's to late.

Proverbs 13.3 (NIV)
"He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin."

let us speak life. let us think love.

finals.

there are moments in life, such as finals week, that can really make you realize just how you spend your time. there can be many good things about finals week because we, as students, may actually....dare i say.... study! it's almost a miracle to see the library miraculously full, when on an average day there are usually me and five others that spend our time there...and are actually studying.
finals week can make you prioritize your time. i have found it's almost satisfactory to sit, even for five minutes, and just breathe and relax, and begin the studying again. but in the end we know the reward will be worth the time invested. that sweet sweet reward. it's almost in my grasp.

peace.

peace is something that i constantly want to feel. just to sit in the presence of our sweet Lord and realize that He is truly in control. but my mind races, and my thoughts wonder, and i feel anything but peaceful. i want to walk in His peace daily, it's a difficult task. but what joy  is found in peace. just stillness and peace.

adventuring.

i have moments quite frequently when i wish to only go adventuring. i just want to go to a city, and find little coffee shops, and boutiques. i want to take my guitar and a cup of coffee to a wide open field and just write, and play, and serenade anyone who dares to listen. all while looking at a beautiful canvas of trees and mountains. i long to take polaroid pictures of decaying barns, or abandoned buildings and try and imagine the people that used to live there, and the lives they used to live. i want to take a car out on old dirt roads and see the beauty in the prairies where i live. i want to walk country roads until dusk, and take an old quilt and look at the beautiful stars that always make me feel so small. i want and i desire all of this. and in moments when i so desire this, i just have to remind myself that adventures will come in time. and right now i just should thank God that He has given me such a personality to want these simple things, in such a complex world that we live in.

patience.

if there is one thing that "pushes my button" it is being patient. now most of the time i am a patient person. i don't mind waiting in line at the grocery store (assuming i am not in a hurry, which when it comes to going to the grocery store, i make sure i have the time), and most times i am even ok with waiting for the bathrooms. but some days, like today, waiting and being patient is not something that comes easily. i am a very organized person, and when things don't go as i planned, i am like a steaming train ready to take off. none of this shows who Christ made me to be. none of it is to His glory. i struggle with honoring Him in those moments, and even going to Him for peace. i am a mess of uneasiness, and anxiety, and my heart is in no place to be reverent and honorable. it's in those moments i have to calm myself, and become reverent to go before the King and ask Him to bring His peace upon me. and ask for my mind to be transformed, and to think like Him, so that i may show His love to others.

patience is a hard lesson. one that i will continue to learn the rest of my days i am afraid. but as i desire to be more like my King, my heart will lead me in how He would act. no i will never be like Him, but i can try with everything in me.

boldness and exhaustion.

today has been such a mix of emotions, but there has been such joy that has been found in these emotions. today has been such a delight to my soul.

 the song "Somebody Tell Them" by City Harbor has been on my heart, so as I was getting ready for church today I listened to the song. what boldness is proclaimed throughout the song. some of the lyrics are as follows:

somebody tell him that the lost are saved
somebody tell him that his debt's been paid
and let him know Love is calling out his name.
somebody tell him he's a child of the King
and there's an end to the suffering
in hope that never fades through grace
that's made a way.
somebody tell him.
somebody
tell
him
now.

I love that! it takes such faith and boldness in Christ to endeavor in such a way. but even reading those lyrics, it is obvious that the Truth must be told.

Hebrews 4.16 "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will recieve His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it."(NLT)

once I got to church, our pastor was talking about boldness. what a message the Lord was desiring to put upon my heart. what love for His child. in honesty, sometimes stepping out in boldness scares me. i don't know if it because i care what people as much as i am afraid of scaring them off, and not being able to speak Life into them. but Christ has called us to step out in boldness, through His strength and Love. I was able to step to the front of our church and pray and seek Christ with a couple of my close friends, and what joy was brought to my heart in seeing how the King moved upon their hearts as much as He did mine. my heart is so full.

so after church i was working, and today was my third day in a row working 8 hour shifts, which is sometimes tiring, but this weekend i was swamped with homework, and have just felt exhaustion the whole of this weekend. as my shift was winding down i was thinking about how tired i was, and how much i longed to be in my bed, and feel myself relax and know that i worked hard, and the achievement of finishing a task, and working hard at it. and i recalled when i read "Kisses from Katie" by Katie Davis (i HIGHLY recommend this book). in a section of the book she is talking about working in an orphanage in Africa, and teaching, and pouring out and ministering, and feeling absolutely exhausted by the end of the day. but knowing that she poured herself out completely that day for the use of Christ. oh how i want to feel that way. that i poured so much of myself into others, with the only purpose being to show them Christ's love. to be able to put my head on my pillow at night in complete exhaustion, but with joy that i let Christ use me that day. what a promise to live for. what a desire.

Colossians 3. 23 "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men." (ESV)

vulnerability.

something that never ceases to cause pain to my heart is when friends stop investing in our friendship. i have quite a gifting in being able to make friends quickly. i love people. i love learning about them. where they are from. places they have been. what they like. what they don't. i just love getting to know people. and making friends. there are times though, that distance, and lack of communication gaps us farther apart. even as i write this my heart begins to hurt for friends i long to be in contact with again. people that i want to sow into my life, and encourage me like they once did. but in the midst of pain, in the midst of desiring friends, my heart has to focus upon the One who is always here. His presence is tangible even if His face is not visible, and His voice is not audible. He is the ultimate. He knows. what peace i need to find in the fact that He does indeed know.

Faithfulness.

I meet weekly with a friend of mind, and Jesus so blesses our time together. I learn so much from her, she is married and expecting in August, and as someone who is single, I love learning things from her about married life and being pregnant. As I continue to grow older, I have remind myself of God's faithfulness. Even when I don't want to. Even when it's hard. And when I don't understand, I have to continually remind myself that He is indeed Faithful to His children. He knows what we need. More than we even do. It's hard to grasp, because we are humans. We know everything. Right? We know whats best. Wrong. As I watch my friends get married, have babies, etc. I sometimes let my flesh take over my mind (never a good decision) and I start to focus on the small things I don't have. Instead I should be looking to Christ and realizing everything He has given me, and even though I may not be experiencing the season my friends are He is still so good, so faithful, so loving and so true. That has to be my focus. That is why I am living, to bring Him honor. To do what He asks of me. That's my sole purpose. To rely on His faithfulness.

Busy-ness.

Being busy can sometimes be such a blessing. Taking breaks from school, seeing new places, meeting new faces. It's all such a blessing. To be able to see this fantastic world that God made for us is unreal. Each person and place is so diverse. Each is different, none the same. How amazing! I love being able to meet new people! I was able to do that over the last few weeks. and also just being able to bask in His everlasting joy and be who I am.  He is so faithful to those who are after His heart. In the last weeks and couple months I have been able to recognize friends He has given me to bring me joy, opportunities He has let me have that He knows will bring joy to my heart. He is so good dear one. He continually amazes me. Just sit in His presence today and let His blessings cover your heart.

Snow.

Snow. Something so beautiful. So pure. Yet in the midst of its beauty, there is a bitterness. A bitterness brought by the cold on warm cheeks, bringing a rosiness that seems inhuman sometimes. Wind that whips hair about, and stings eyes until they water. Sometimes there is pain in beautiful things...

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be such a tough thing. Mostly though, I find it's the toughest when it's dealing with myself. Letting things go, and moving on can be very hard. Most days I sit and ask myself "why?"; that's always the kicker. I wonder why I thought something was a good idea in the first place, I wonder why I decided to follow through with horrible decisions, and each time I convince myself, that I am not worthy to be a child of God. Which in and of itself is true, I do not deserve to be loved by Him, I do not deserve to have His grace and mercy. But He gives it to me. He is here to lead me even when I feel unworthy. He loves me! Even in the middle my sin, and unforgiveness, He has forgiven me already! What a thing to try and understand, someone who loves you so much that He loves you even if you're sinning, even if you're feeling unworthy and worthless. He gives us our worth! I have to remind myself of this daily, because when I become focused on myself, and my own problems, I can never focus on what He has for me.

Romans 5:8
"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Live in that promise today!

Dreaming.

One of my favorite things on earth to do is to dream. More or less day dream. Imagine how I want to live life after being "grown up." after school, when I start "real life." Nothing makes me more excited than this imagination I have! I love thinking about all the adventures I may have outside of my hometown. I think of all the people I will meet, all the music I can play, all the coffee shops I can stumble upon. It's wonderful sometimes to think about these things. Especially when I begin to feel trapped here by school, with no desire to continue to learn. Then I begin to come back into the reality that so many people don't have the opportunity to learn like I do. And so they cycle continues.

I want so badly to live in a city (or town) that inspires me! I want to be able to have friends who desperately want Jesus, and who will come over to my home and share eternal experiences. I want to have friends over just to sip coffee and tea, and talk with me. I want to be able to make my own food, haha, that is one of my absolute favorite things to think about. I want to travel, and go "adventuring". Road trips with friends sound like the most delightful thing in the world right now. My heart wants so many things....so so many things, and I continually have to remind myself that He has such big plans for me. Although I struggle here, He knows I do, He is here to comfort me, and hold my heart. He knows what He is doing, and even though I don't entirely understand I have to trust...that is so hard and so "not human" for us. To truly and absolutely trust someone.

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Triumph

Exhaustion. The only thing my body seems to know anymore. The only thing my body seems to be able to accomplish. It's like my body chases after it. I know I need sleep, and so does my body, but once I lay down, my mind becomes like a thousand dandelion seeds being blown in the wind, each seed planting somewhere else, and an idea forming. This has become the nightly routine, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, but when sleep and ideas collide. Ideas always win.

Amidst the waves of sleepiness, nausea, and achy-ness as my body tries to figure out how hours of sleep got away from us, there is always the need to go on, persist. Keep my eyes open just an hour longer, until I can rest. To focus on what the teacher is saying, although my daydreams are far more enchanting. At the end of the day, after fighting myself, for what seems to be years, I look and see that it's almost time to rest once more. Triumph. That is the only word that makes sense in that moment. There is something about pushing your body to do what it thinks it cannot that is one of the best feeling for your soul. Although this night may not be the night my mind turns off, I can always dream.

Voices

Noise. Voices. It's what surrounds me at this very moment. Sitting in my schools cafeteria is quite the place to be. So many conversations. So many hilarious moments, or so it seems from the loud laughter entering my ears. As I sit here I am thinking about the voices I allow myself to listen to. Are they good voices? Are they having a good impact on my life? Or are they voices full of negativity that make me think less of myself? We all desire to listen to the good voices I think. But that is much more difficult. With good influences comes constructive criticism especially if the voices we listen to are people we see frequently. Choosing who you listen to, or what you allow yourself to listen to, can affect how little or how much you think of yourself. So I beg you dear reader, be very careful when deciding which voices you allow yourself to listen to.

Success

Success: the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.

What is success? Really? Is it how much money you make? The house you live in? The car you drive? How you raise your children? Whom you marry? Is it the amount of people you impact?

Success can be a number of things. Success for an individual can be unlimited! It all starts with you. Who do you look at as being successful? What is success to you? No one can tell you whether you are successful or not. No one can look at a family who rakes in about $25k a year, but still has love in the home, and loves what they do, whether that is working at a grocery store, or volunteering most of their time at a homeless shelter, and tell them they are not successful. Success is what you make it. When you start comparing your success to others...that's when we begin to stumble in our own abilities.

When I look at my life compared to say Miley Cyrus, heaven knows that I do not make as much money, nor have I had countless people look up to me as a role model, nor have I made any albums, television shows, or movies. But just because I have done none of these does that make me any less of a successful person? Of course not! Even if I never make as much money as Miley Cyrus, at least I am blessed enough to have a job, even if there are not thousands of little girls looking up to me, I know there is at least one. Even if I never make a music album, singing to someone can bless their day. If I never make a television show or movie, but I volunteer my acting abilities at my local school, church, or theatre club, am I unsuccessful? No.

Putting in perspective what you think success is can change your whole outlook on life. Jesus designed us to be success stories, to show His glory. Being successful to glorify Him...that should be our goal. So go right now. Right out what you think is considered success. When will you be successful? Trust me, it will change you whole outlook on life.

Starbucks Adventures.

If there is ever a day that you want to feel like you know who you are, and how diverse we all are created spend an afternoon in your local coffee shop. I frequently do this. It is so interesting to watch and observe people; we are all so uniquely different. In how we dress. How we act. What coffee we like, or don't like. Diversity is something I think we can easily take for granted. How weird and awful would it be if we were all exactly the same. Nothing would define you as you. How tragic. Realizing who you are, and what you like is such an adventure. I love seeing how people dress, especially when living in Kansas. I live in a farming community, a lot of people dress in plaid shirts and cowboy boots. It is so fun to see the different variations of style. Starbucks is a wonderful place to observe this. Seeing the variations of smiles, and laughs brings joy to my heart. How wonderful of our Creator to design us this way. None of us are the same. We are so amazingly created by the One who loves us so dearly. The One that spent time deciding what color of eyes we will have. What color of hair. How tall He wanted us to be. What kind of laugh would float up to heaven and bring Him joy. What an amazing Creator we have.