dead end.

i am at one of those points in life where i am standing at a dead end of the road i am so used to traveling, and i either have to choose to go left or right. decisions like this one only come so many times in life. i mean this is a big decision. the choice i make now will probably alter what will happen with my career.

for years my heart has only longed to do one thing. music. it's what i have always wanted to do. always. i love it, i love learning, and blessing people with my gift. i have dreamt of living in a little cabin near the mountains, where i can take a blanket, a guitar, a pen and paper, and make my words come to life through music. i suppose i just lived in the fantasy for the majority of my life. it is my dream.

over the last year since entering college i have thought to myself you need a real job. for a period i wanted to be a doctor. the idea of helping people, and being able to serve them sounds perfect to me. so i began this journey to becoming a doctor. right now i work at a nursing home, and i have been involved in the medical field for the last three years.

but i always have nights like tonight. where i question myself. would i be happy as a doctor? could i handle it? if i went into music, what else would i do? would i still be writing and singing when i am fifty? would i even make money at all?

the biggest question.

what does God want me to do? am i supposed to do either of these at all?

i hate this feeling. of not knowing. i absolutely hate it. because my heart has felt it for so long. my heart knows what it wants and desires. but my mind tells me something else.