sundays.

i know i post on sundays a lot. but of any other day of the week i love this day the most. and apparently it is my most eventful day of the week.

today was wonderful. in every way. last night i was up, wondering and pondering some things. and today. shocker. what i was thinking about was what pastor spoke about. i was able to be a part of the worship team. which is always a blessing. after church i got to go to our pastors house with some other friends and then i helped with youth group. and went to a movie.

by far though, the best part of the night was with my friend jeni. she is so sweet. and loves the Lord with a pure heart. she and i were discussing what we really thought the Lord was calling us to. she so blessed me tonight. at one point she wanted to show me a worship song "Oceans" by Hillsong (it's fantastic) and she asked if it was alright if we just turned off the light. and just focused on Him. what a blessing it is to have friends that desire to seek His face with you.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 
Let me walk upon the waters, where ever You would call me. 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior.

"Oceans"

dead end.

i am at one of those points in life where i am standing at a dead end of the road i am so used to traveling, and i either have to choose to go left or right. decisions like this one only come so many times in life. i mean this is a big decision. the choice i make now will probably alter what will happen with my career.

for years my heart has only longed to do one thing. music. it's what i have always wanted to do. always. i love it, i love learning, and blessing people with my gift. i have dreamt of living in a little cabin near the mountains, where i can take a blanket, a guitar, a pen and paper, and make my words come to life through music. i suppose i just lived in the fantasy for the majority of my life. it is my dream.

over the last year since entering college i have thought to myself you need a real job. for a period i wanted to be a doctor. the idea of helping people, and being able to serve them sounds perfect to me. so i began this journey to becoming a doctor. right now i work at a nursing home, and i have been involved in the medical field for the last three years.

but i always have nights like tonight. where i question myself. would i be happy as a doctor? could i handle it? if i went into music, what else would i do? would i still be writing and singing when i am fifty? would i even make money at all?

the biggest question.

what does God want me to do? am i supposed to do either of these at all?

i hate this feeling. of not knowing. i absolutely hate it. because my heart has felt it for so long. my heart knows what it wants and desires. but my mind tells me something else.

Life.

A couple months ago one of my dearest friends had twins! I got to meet them for the first time on Sunday, and they are so precious, and perfect. What a blessing it is to have friends who lead lives that I would love to follow. This friend is about 5 years older than I but I treasure her friendship so much. She is a woman who loves God with everything in her. I have been able to watch her fall in love, get married, and now have babies! It is such a blessing to see someone who desires to honor Him in everything, whether that is being a good wife, a good leader, or a good mother and homemaker. I hope that someday I can be as wonderful as some of my friends are.