wanting what you can't have.

have you ever desperately wanted something--and you can't have it?

sometimes this is a curse of life. you want something badly, and you don't realize you wanted it so badly until you absolutely cannot attain it in any way. and then you're heartbroken and desperate and searching for a way to make it work, make it happen, make it what you want it to be-- not what it turned out to be.
you convince yourself that you're not insane as your thoughts are consumed with what's being swept away from you.
but you don't dare open your mouth and speak what you're feeling because then it's real. more real than you ever wanted it to be. and in that moment, you know you have to accept it. whether it's the hardest thing you do or not.

"too often, the thing you want most

is the one thing you can't have. 

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. 

Desire can wreck your life. 

But as though as wanting something can be, 

the people who suffer the most 

are those who don't know what they want." 

Back to school.

I'm sitting here on the floor of my apartment--printing of syllabus'/ coursework schedules. My bag of laundry is ready and waiting for our departure to the laundry mat in the morning. And I'm just amazed that today was my first day back to school.
I don't think I could have fit anything more in my schedule today.
I went to school for 6 hours. (saw tons of familiar faces which is awesome)
Did some homework.
Then went to a school picnic.
And literally stayed on campus until after 11pm tonight. Just hanging out and helping a friend order books.

Do you ever really just have moments though that you step back after a day and say "how in the world did I get all this done...in one day?!" Those are my feelings right now. It's crazy. Anyhow, just thought I would drop an update for anyone who cares to know that my first day back to school was a success. I'm stoked for the semester for sure!

xoxo

Moving!

I've moved!

I'm so excited about moving--I have my own little apartment, and I've loved being able to come home to it! I'm not someone that people would ever call an introvert or a hermit by any means, but I do love coming home to my quiet little apartment and chilling out after work/school/etc. But, I also love that I can have people over and we can hang out in a good space!

School starts in a week and I'm oddly ready for it. In the 15+ years that I've gone to school I don't think I've ever been ready for it to start--but this year is different and I am ready. I think I'm more ready for a steady routine rather than just feeling like my life is floating every which way at the flip of a switch.

Something that's awesome about my move here is that two of my best friends are here also. These people make me more...well (cliche line coming up) me. They truly know me and my heart and desires and they bring that out in me, and I appreciate it more than they will ever know.
I think having a diverse group of friends is amazing. You can truly know what you believe in and things you a passionate about if you step out of your comfort zone and explore new things. But I think it's good to have your closest friends be people that constantly challenge and inspire you. These friends are completely that for me. All the time, and sometimes they don't even know that what they are doing inspires me to be better, which I think is the coolest part by far. Having a lot of friends is good and knowing different people and cultures can be really rewarding, but making sure that you always have a "second family" as I call them to come back to is the most rewarding thing of all I think.

Honesty.

I am a very blunt gal.

and (shocker) I'm completely over the moon about it.

I think in our society a woman that speakers her mind and is very truly honest is sometimes looked down on, or seen as rude, or unladylike etc. Which I think can be true, if their honesty is delivered in a wrong way.
Being honest and blunt is something I really cherish about my personality. Some people might think that's an interesting quality to be really excited about but being these things helps me communicate well, and people know if they ask me something-they're going to get an honest answer.

I had a woman from my church ask me if I wanted to go clothes shopping with her, and at the end of the shopping she turned to me and said that she likes taking me and only a couple other ladies shopping because we give her honest opinions of how the clothes look on her...not just what she wants to hear.

Our society is all about telling people what they want to hear. Or catering to people's opinions. We don't like conflict, so we don't stand up for ourselves/others, and we let other rule what we do.

It's ok to be honest. 
It's alright for you to speak your mind.
It's right to stand up for yourself and others. 

I believe being honest can also help you communicate well. Communication in our world is everything. Literally. Everything.
Everyone knows that person on Facebook that made a fool of themselves because they posted something controversial and the world went crazy. 90% of the time I would say it's because they didn't communicate well, or in an ignorant way.

I know that my communication has grown (in a positive way) between my parents and I-because instead of just getting upset and hanging up, walking off, etc, I finally just was like "this is what's upsetting me, this is why, etc." Being blunt is ok. It's the best way to people to actually know what you're thinking/feeling.

BUT. (there's always a caveat:a warning or proviso of specific stipulations, conditions, or limitations) {I included the definition because sometimes I use that word and I get deer in the headlights look}

Hear me here.

Just because you're honest, it does not mean everyone else in your life is going to be honest too. (Specifically in relationships) Just because you stand up and speak your mind and speak out for others, does not mean it's going to be received well.

That's the hardest part about being an honest person I think. It's not always received well, and it's not always reciprocated.
But the few times it is, it's glorious! Communicating in an honest way is something I believe everyone subconsciously wants--but never makes it happen. Instead we play the "you guess" game. {you know the one where we don't say what's upsetting us, and expect our partners, family members, and friends to "know what you did wrong."}

I hate this game.
It's a pointless game.
That does NO GOOD.
(LADIES--it doesn't do anything healthy for your relationships)

We do this I think because we want to be understood--to the max.

and people.

no matter how much time you spend with someone--this does not mean they are magically over time going to be able to read your mind. 

we are an evolving culture.
we change all the time--that's ok!

Communicating and being honest with people in your life doesn't mean you have to be an open book. However (at least in my life) I felt a lot better about myself when I started being honest and telling people what I thought. Don't shy away from who you are and what you think. Because there really is truly not one person on the planet like you.

Half Realist. Half Creative.

I'm a rare breed. I know I am, and that's just fine with me! People who know me well straight up tell me I'm weird.
Once I declared my interest in a man and he didn't feel the same-howevever he said he felt I was "interesting and had a unique personality that's hard to find" which I in turn translated as "you're kinda weird, but you're fun to hang around." Therefore we are still friends.
But. I was sitting around thinking-as you do- and I came to the conclusion...I'm half realist, half creative.

Which I think is just the most awesome! Sometimes though it's crazy and I think my friends may think that I'm emotionally bipolar because I can be cool as a cucumber about something and be thinking rationally-and in the next breath my imagination goes crazy and there's all kinda grey color running around and the black and white is right out the door.

It's fascinating to learn about myself though. Have you ever done that? Just sat back and thought about yourself and your personality and how you handle things?

This is coming from a single woman, so take this for a grain of salt if you want, but how much does this change our relationships? I'm imagining that someday when I do find a man (a brawny man of a man of course) my relationship with him will be so much better than if I hadn't found this out about myself.

I know that in some situations I am very much a realist. Take dating for example: I'm a single 22 (almost) year old woman. I have lots of married friends and therefore I can think about dating a lot. I even have a desire to date. Sometimes I get caught up in that, seeking, wondering why I don't have a boyfriend (or beau as my mom says-I hate that word). is there something wrong with me? should I change this/that about myself? etc etc etc. And then comes the "poor me, I'm going to be the old cat lady (I hate cats, so unlikely) etc etc etc" and I get caught in the emotions and feelings of "being alone while everyone has a someone." {if you haven't caught on....this was the emotional/creative in me}

[in comes the realist] No. Dude. You're a single. 22 (almost) year old college student. You are independent. You love exploring. You work. You have school. Where on God's green earth would you find the time to spend to seriously date? And that's just it. I would not have the time. So why worry about something that would add complication to my life.

{now let's take a break and let me define my terms here- I'm not in any way insinuating that having a significant other has to be complicated/or brings complication. However. With my busy life I'm afraid that's what it would be. and I would never want to put myself in a position where I would consider it an obligation to spend time with someone I was interested in. That being said, I'm not saying I wouldn't ever date in college...I just would be pretty blunt to whomever I was swooning over that I am a student working and paying for her own stuff and that has to come first--which is probably why I'm single}

So yes. I very much would like a boyfriend. But right now, probably isn't the best time to try and foster a relationship.

Example 2: I've alway been a very emotionally driven individual {creative} (more than I thought) and this spilled into, you guessed it, how I argue. I was getting upset with how I let myself fly off the handle sometimes and so I sat myself down once and was thinking about a different way to approach when I get upset. [realist] And I realized that whomever I may have a disagreement with...is someone who loves me. Deep down that person cares for me and no matter what they say I know they love me. And I need to respond in love to that person, not whatever words may fly out of their mouths.

I love being a realist/creative. I dream big. And I find ways that help me achieve those dreams. I plan. and I get things done. I have a great imagination...that never seemed to die after childhood. I find beauty in the simplest of things. And I love being me in every situation. Realist. or Creative.

Me.

I'm nearly 22, which is a short amount of life to live in the grand scheme of things. But in my short life I have recently realized there is a particular way that people expect me to do things. And recently I've realized that I don't like that at all.
at all.

It's not that people have unambitious expectations of me. And it's not that people don't like what I've decided to do with my life. They just seem to have a very specific idea of what they think I should do, or what they want me to do, and it's not at all what I want.

Sometimes it is interesting to see what other people thought I would do. But it's not when it's delivered in a "I know better than you" type of attitude.

Basically.

It's nice when people actually want to know what you're interested in, and what you want...rather than what you're interested in so they can plan your life for you.

capeesh?

xo

the overflow.

divorce is such a hard thing. I'm not one that has ever had to experience it first hand. I have been mightily blessed in that respect. But tonight I witnessed one of the saddest things that is an overflow of divorce.

I have a friend-whom I think a lot of- he's very hard working, very sweet and tender hearted. But tonight I saw-for only a moment- the face of a man, one that I look up to, become full of sadness and pain.
As we were sitting one of his parents began to "bad mouth" their former spouse.
In front of all of us.
I could see the pain written all over my friend and it broke my heart for him. I wish that I could take the pain from many of my friends that deal with the same thing day in and day out. Feeling as if they have no voice because what if they offend their parent for speaking up for the other parent?

Families are broken, children are hurting, and as a friend, it is so hard to sit back and watch and be able to do absolutely nothing.

Oh my heart so desperately wished I could pause that moment, and replay it, and have that parent watch everything that went on in all of 30 seconds. But life doesn't come with a pause button.
We do things we regret.
We say things we don't mean.
And we have to live with it.
Whether that means we suck it up and make it right...
Or let our pride drift us from the ones we love.

xoxo

road trips.

gah I love a good road trip. If you're like my friend Jordan any trip over 2 hours is torturous.
I do love being on the road-although sometimes I do get impatient and just wish I was at my destination-but I find peace in driving.

I am a talker. Usually I talk all the time, and I think that's part of the reason I like driving distances, because I don't have to talk to anyone-unless someone is in the car with me, then I feel somewhat obligated to keep a conversation going. (So as of now I'm praying for a spouse that doesn't mind sitting in silence sometimes...cause even talkers don't like talking sometimes)
This last trip I took I did something kind of unusual, I just listened to classical music (yeah, I know kinda unique right?). I am usually the gal jamming on the interstate and singing every word of every song, but you can only listen to the same songs so many times...and it seemed every radio station was playing the same thing, so I went to the alternative-because complete silence wasn't ideal for the whole trip.

I actually kind of liked it.
yeah.
weird.

An almost 22 year old girl just driving along and listening to classic symphonies. but! I got a whole lot of thinking done-which is something I cannot ever turn off, even if I want to. And so. All this to say...if you ever wanna get some solid thinking done...

get in your vehicle
turn on the classic radio station (they're everywhere)
and just go.
you might surprise yourself.
xoxo

bonfires.

of course I'm the small town girl from Kansas (so you probably won't find this really surprising) but I love bonfires. Just the fact that you can sit around and chat and truly invest in people and spend time with them is something that I think should be forever cherished.
too many times I think our generation is about having friends that go and do things with you-it's always a "going, going, gone situation." I don't think we take the time to truly get to know someone and talk about quality things. I was meeting with a new friend last week (who is a quite a few years my senior) but she's so much fun! Kids my age probably think it's weird that I can call a woman less than 5 years younger than my mom my friend. But I don't think it's weird at all!
This woman has had some great experiences and can really relate to me! She's single and has lived and traveled and met so many great people and it's a thrill just to sit (and drink great espresso) and talk with her. And in the hour and half that we met, we talked more about life and experience and what we wanted to do (as she is single and can pretty much choose to do as she pleases) more than I've talked with friends I've known most of my life.
this past weekend I got to spend time also with friends (although much closer to my age) and the same thing happened. We spent some time playing around on instruments, and just talked. no phones. just quality time. and then we went and played soccer, and had a bonfire and s'mores. and I realized these are truly real friends.

my friends help build me.
my friends challenge me.
my friends can call me out on things-because sometimes they can tell I'm changing when I can't.
my friends always care about and love me.
my friends encourage me. (even to go beyond your comfort zone)
and
my friends believe in me.



"A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably." -William Penn

Tori Kelly Concert

I feel there is something y'all need to know. I'm a massive Tori Kelly fan! I've been one since 2012 and I cannot stop listening. There is something so raw and organic in her talent. She's amazing, a singer that truly is better live than on a record.

A friend and I made the 3.5 hour drive to see her yesterday and I could not have asked for a better day. We waited in line outside the theatre for a couple hours. {and I ran into a co-worker which was hysterical, needless to say my life is a funny continuous meeting of people I know in places I least expect} we hung out, had some ice cream cones and enjoyed each others company before the concert! I loved it! And then rain started pouring around 30 minutes before they opened the doors to the venue. So a few of us girls huddled under my jacket, which turned out to be a really funny situation. {Just imagine 5 girls attempting to huddle under a single jacket to try and keep dry-mainly to keep our nice hair dry}

Us the Duo opened for Tori, they were awesome as well! After the night was over we trekked home for the 3.5 hours (which put me home around 3:30a, but it was so worth it) Great people. Fantastic music. and so we come to the fun part: pictures! (:


xo

p.s. to any Tori Kelly fans out there-yes, she did PYT {so much fangirling}

         This kid and I graduated together and made the trek

                                                            My co-worker and I

 We waited outside for about 2 hours, so stuff like this happened.

Family Reunion.

Finals. Done. 

School. Done. 

60 hour week. Over (Thank God) 

Now I get to spend all weekend with my family!! My mom (aka Ma) is the youngest of 10 kids. Historically it was really hard for all of us to get together in one place. But since my uncle bought a massive (and I mean massive) house a few years ago we have been able to get together more often. Which I love! The cousins closest to me in age live far away (Minnesota, and like 6 hours from where I live now) so it's always fun to see them and see what they've been up to! And then getting to hold all the baby cousins I never get to see is also lots of fun! and gah, the food. the food. 

This weekend we are also fishing in my uncle's pond. He got it stocked for this weekend. And he's been feeding the fish for a long while now. And then....we are eating them! 

(Only after typing this did I realize that some people probably find a fish fry a really hick thing) 

^^(it is kind of a hick thing, but definitely a bucket list item) 

Ok. So I should probably pack...cause that's not done. and I'm blogging. and we leave in 50 minutes. 

K bye. 

xoxo

Finals!

I'm ecstatic about finals.

(if I was holding a mic this is when I would tap it and repeat what I said)

I'm so excited to be done with this semester of school!! Not because it's been a bad semester or I haven't liked teachers or anything like that. but simply because I want it to be summer. I want to run around outside and for pete's sake I even want to mow. This school thing can get me kind of stir crazy.

but now I have to focus....just a matter of hours now and I'll be free for a while. As someone who took summer classes last year...this summer is going to be bliss. And with moving to a new city and meeting new people next year, and getting to be around some of my best friends and living only blocks from them instead of miles, I would think you'd be happy if you were me too!

ok. now back to studying.

humph.

(but gah so much excitement)

xoxo

mornings.

I am the friend in the group that can be termed "grandma."
Oddly, I'm ok with that, I've even come to calling myself that.
I don't know why I like mornings, but this morning I got a taste of why I do.

I am an extrovert, to the max! I'm always talking, always doing something, but in the mornings, it's just simple. I don't say anything, I don't even sing-which is unusual for me. There is a seeming peace in the mornings that I just love to sit and soak up. Usually I have worship music going, and if I get up early enough that I'm not running around my house like a chicken with my head cut off, it is literally the most enjoyable part of my day. Just sitting and thinking and sipping my coffee is the best thing. So I'll just continue to go to bed early and get up early, until, at some point, mornings aren't enjoyable anymore.
But I hope and pray that never happens.

plans.

do you ever just feel so over your head you don't know what to do?

when I was younger I loved going swimming. remember those moments when you were under the water, holding your breath, and fighting every instinct to take a breath, but fighting your way to the surface, knowing it was almost there. and in the single moment before you take a breath, you felt relief? knowing what you needed was right at your fingertips?

that's my life right now. for weeks I've felt like I was swimming around in a fog, holding my breath, but I can feel the tension in the water breaking, and I know that my fresh breath of air is coming. and oh is it needed!

I'm a planner. Definitely type A. Headstrong. you name it. I've planned my life, I know what I want. It's going to happen. but in the midst of planning I was reminded that I still need to leave room for God to move. planning isn't bad. having goals isn't bad, but when those goals and plans don't leave room for Christ to do something we have a problem. It's hard. believe me....my type A heart doesn't take much convincing to know that. but the beauty is Christ gives us control. We can let Him take the plans and goals we have or we can be completely focused on ourselves, and what we think it should look like, and never find out what a wonderful plan He may have. because I know that His plan for my life is much more beautiful than I could ever think or imagine, but convincing my heart of that is much harder than I ever thought possible.

growing up.

In my life I've realized there was a point I reached that I no longer wanted to be selfish.

I think there is such a humbling aspect of serving.

My friends and I joke that I'm the "mom" of the group. I want to cook, I want to serve, I want to do dishes when they aren't mine to do. These things aren't necessarily things I like to do all the time-sometimes I don't want to touch dishes, like ever, I'd be just peachy to never do them-

but it's not the task...it's the heart in doing the task. 

So as I'm getting older and growing up, I'm trying to keep my heart pure in my servanthood and realizing that it is truly a way to show that you care about people in your life. God willing, someday when I'm a wife and mom I want to be able to have the same heart of servanthood. I want to be able to serve and love my family and never have bitterness or anger about it. I want to teach my children to do the same thing! I think serving each other is such a pure thing that gets overlooked.
My mom served us for years, and I never really appreciated it, and in the last year it's become something I've noticed, and I'm thankful for.

I'm loving growing up and learning all these life lessons, even if they're hard to swallow.

identifying.

I absolutely love and adore my friends. I have such great friends, and the most incredible thing to me is that they are all of the United States. I have such close friends that live miles and miles away. 

Minnesota.

California-soon to be in Tennessee. 

Missouri. 

 

Just to name a few. And then I have friends that are close that live in Kansas, but still miles away. 

What a privilege to have close friends. [and God bless the inventor of FaceTime/Skype] 

I am realizing that I could not go through this life without close friends. I'm a fiercely independent individual, so the idea of me having close friends that live miles away is hard, but I understand we all are our own people, and I love that I get to see my friends live their lives. And I know it wouldn't be the same if everything was the same as it was when we were together. 

I love identifying with friends, what special moments friendships can bring someone. When we can relate and give advice and pour out our dreams and wishes, everything. It's the most simple but complex beautiful relationship on the planet [I think]. Because no matter what under any circumstance those close friends will always be there. What other human on the planet can you treat like family, and "adopt as your own" but friends?  

Friends are beautiful.

Urg---if you even consider that a word.

Sometimes it's ok to be vulnerable and admit failure.

I failed today. I failed to keep myself calm, and keep a level head.

I'm 21, which means nothing except I have a specific "button." This "button" really sets me off-and I'm not someone usually set off by much. I hate when I feel taken advantage of in a work place. I work at a grocery store, and therefore-as one might imagine-people call in, people are sick, etc, and others (ahem, me) have to cover shifts. This is fine and most days I don't mind. But today I agreed to work until a specific time, and needless to say my co-worker didn't show up until 20 minutes past the time she said she would-the time we had agreed on.

I am even a sympathetic person, but when someone doesn't recognize the responsibility they have to their job, and to the person who is covering their butt at the end of the day, I tend to get irritated. especially if the co-worker is older than I am. 

So my co-worker finally shows up, I leave.

I'm trying to calm myself, and contain my rage. "Chill" if you will.

I get to my car (and at this moment in time it's like 9 degrees out and ice is in the parking lot).

I let my car warm up, and drive off, I'm going like 5 miles an hour and realizing my car is riding kind of weird. I couldn't tell if it was because I was sliding...or because my tire was flat. [on the passenger side-the side I didn't see walking up to my car-I'm no moron]. So I pull over. Sure enough -flat tire. Well at this point I was about 2 blocks from the grocery store, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW this morning I had left my phone at home because the phone battery was going to die anyhow, and I only worked 4 hours (which turned into 5.5 hrs but whatever). So I walk back to work call my brother, and they come, get the spare changed, etc.

[no I had never learned how to change a tire until tonight, but now I know how so it's fine]

So that was my evening.

Learning about yourself and what "buttons" you have I think is good, because you can find ways to better improve your response to situations.

I hope you have a splendid day (or evening, or whatever)

xo

2015.

I started off my New Year with an all night lock-in. This is generally an alright thing, unless you're me. 

December 30, 2014: I decided it would be a good idea to try and stay up as late as possible tonight because then logically I would sleep in tomorrow. Therefore I would be a little bit more rested for the New Years Eve lock-in (sounds perfect right? wrong). After forcing myself to stay up until 3:30 a.m. I went to sleep. 

December 31, 2014: I woke up at 8:30 a.m. FIVE hours of sleep, that was NOT going to keep me up all night at the lock-in. The crummies thing was, I didn't even feel tired. This was not working out for me. So again logically I thought that I would just sleep a few hours before the lock-in. So the rest of the morning I packed up all my stuff-because oh yeah, right after the lock-in (and I mean right after- as in leaving from when the lock-in was over) I was driving 2. 5 hours back home because I was moving back. (Another story for a few paragraphs down-just stick me with me). So around 3pm I laid down to sleep-and I felt tired at this point- and I was going to sleep for about 2.5 hours, not necessarily sufficient but it was something. I had to be to the church at 6pm before kids got there around 7pm so this was about all the time I had. I laid in bed for an hour and didn't fall asleep. At this point I was just frustrated and decided to just get up, and watch House Hunters International until I had to leave.  The lock-in was awesome, even though I was a volunteer, I have quite a few close friends still in high school, and one of my other close friends volunteered also so it was really fun! We had Papa Murphy's pizza-which I think is the best pizza in the world, and watched a movie (which I half dozed through but didn't really sleep through), and played games. Honestly I wouldn't have wanted to spend my last day with my friends any other way. 

January 1, 2015: We left the lock-in about 5:45 a.m. I was tired, but I knew that if I crashed at someone's house I would just sleep all day and never get home to unpack all my stuff. I said good bye to my friends-which was really hard, and started my 2.5 hr drive home. It mostly consisted of my singing and dancing and slapping my face to stay awake. But either way I got home and crashed (in my bed that is, not my vehicle). And THAT is how I rang in the New Year. 

After sleeping a little bit, I managed to unpack 90% of my belongings, which I am very proud of considering all I wanted to do was sleep for the rest of my life. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So. Yes, I moved back home for a semester. *sigh* 

After living on my own for 4 months, this is going to be much different. It's different enough moving back in with your family, but I also had to leave friends I had gotten really close to over the time I was living there. I mean, when you don't have immediate family you're living with, you find people that truly become your family...and it's hard to leave them. I know I'll be fine but change is sometimes not completely accepted by me with open arms. I am an independent individual and so yes change is always somewhat exciting, but this change has been much harder-already- than I anticipated. 

But cheers to a New Year, new adventures, new memories, new people. 2015, I'm ready for ya.