growing up.

In my life I've realized there was a point I reached that I no longer wanted to be selfish.

I think there is such a humbling aspect of serving.

My friends and I joke that I'm the "mom" of the group. I want to cook, I want to serve, I want to do dishes when they aren't mine to do. These things aren't necessarily things I like to do all the time-sometimes I don't want to touch dishes, like ever, I'd be just peachy to never do them-

but it's not the task...it's the heart in doing the task. 

So as I'm getting older and growing up, I'm trying to keep my heart pure in my servanthood and realizing that it is truly a way to show that you care about people in your life. God willing, someday when I'm a wife and mom I want to be able to have the same heart of servanthood. I want to be able to serve and love my family and never have bitterness or anger about it. I want to teach my children to do the same thing! I think serving each other is such a pure thing that gets overlooked.
My mom served us for years, and I never really appreciated it, and in the last year it's become something I've noticed, and I'm thankful for.

I'm loving growing up and learning all these life lessons, even if they're hard to swallow.

identifying.

I absolutely love and adore my friends. I have such great friends, and the most incredible thing to me is that they are all of the United States. I have such close friends that live miles and miles away. 

Minnesota.

California-soon to be in Tennessee. 

Missouri. 

 

Just to name a few. And then I have friends that are close that live in Kansas, but still miles away. 

What a privilege to have close friends. [and God bless the inventor of FaceTime/Skype] 

I am realizing that I could not go through this life without close friends. I'm a fiercely independent individual, so the idea of me having close friends that live miles away is hard, but I understand we all are our own people, and I love that I get to see my friends live their lives. And I know it wouldn't be the same if everything was the same as it was when we were together. 

I love identifying with friends, what special moments friendships can bring someone. When we can relate and give advice and pour out our dreams and wishes, everything. It's the most simple but complex beautiful relationship on the planet [I think]. Because no matter what under any circumstance those close friends will always be there. What other human on the planet can you treat like family, and "adopt as your own" but friends?  

Friends are beautiful.

Urg---if you even consider that a word.

Sometimes it's ok to be vulnerable and admit failure.

I failed today. I failed to keep myself calm, and keep a level head.

I'm 21, which means nothing except I have a specific "button." This "button" really sets me off-and I'm not someone usually set off by much. I hate when I feel taken advantage of in a work place. I work at a grocery store, and therefore-as one might imagine-people call in, people are sick, etc, and others (ahem, me) have to cover shifts. This is fine and most days I don't mind. But today I agreed to work until a specific time, and needless to say my co-worker didn't show up until 20 minutes past the time she said she would-the time we had agreed on.

I am even a sympathetic person, but when someone doesn't recognize the responsibility they have to their job, and to the person who is covering their butt at the end of the day, I tend to get irritated. especially if the co-worker is older than I am. 

So my co-worker finally shows up, I leave.

I'm trying to calm myself, and contain my rage. "Chill" if you will.

I get to my car (and at this moment in time it's like 9 degrees out and ice is in the parking lot).

I let my car warm up, and drive off, I'm going like 5 miles an hour and realizing my car is riding kind of weird. I couldn't tell if it was because I was sliding...or because my tire was flat. [on the passenger side-the side I didn't see walking up to my car-I'm no moron]. So I pull over. Sure enough -flat tire. Well at this point I was about 2 blocks from the grocery store, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW this morning I had left my phone at home because the phone battery was going to die anyhow, and I only worked 4 hours (which turned into 5.5 hrs but whatever). So I walk back to work call my brother, and they come, get the spare changed, etc.

[no I had never learned how to change a tire until tonight, but now I know how so it's fine]

So that was my evening.

Learning about yourself and what "buttons" you have I think is good, because you can find ways to better improve your response to situations.

I hope you have a splendid day (or evening, or whatever)

xo

2015.

I started off my New Year with an all night lock-in. This is generally an alright thing, unless you're me. 

December 30, 2014: I decided it would be a good idea to try and stay up as late as possible tonight because then logically I would sleep in tomorrow. Therefore I would be a little bit more rested for the New Years Eve lock-in (sounds perfect right? wrong). After forcing myself to stay up until 3:30 a.m. I went to sleep. 

December 31, 2014: I woke up at 8:30 a.m. FIVE hours of sleep, that was NOT going to keep me up all night at the lock-in. The crummies thing was, I didn't even feel tired. This was not working out for me. So again logically I thought that I would just sleep a few hours before the lock-in. So the rest of the morning I packed up all my stuff-because oh yeah, right after the lock-in (and I mean right after- as in leaving from when the lock-in was over) I was driving 2. 5 hours back home because I was moving back. (Another story for a few paragraphs down-just stick me with me). So around 3pm I laid down to sleep-and I felt tired at this point- and I was going to sleep for about 2.5 hours, not necessarily sufficient but it was something. I had to be to the church at 6pm before kids got there around 7pm so this was about all the time I had. I laid in bed for an hour and didn't fall asleep. At this point I was just frustrated and decided to just get up, and watch House Hunters International until I had to leave.  The lock-in was awesome, even though I was a volunteer, I have quite a few close friends still in high school, and one of my other close friends volunteered also so it was really fun! We had Papa Murphy's pizza-which I think is the best pizza in the world, and watched a movie (which I half dozed through but didn't really sleep through), and played games. Honestly I wouldn't have wanted to spend my last day with my friends any other way. 

January 1, 2015: We left the lock-in about 5:45 a.m. I was tired, but I knew that if I crashed at someone's house I would just sleep all day and never get home to unpack all my stuff. I said good bye to my friends-which was really hard, and started my 2.5 hr drive home. It mostly consisted of my singing and dancing and slapping my face to stay awake. But either way I got home and crashed (in my bed that is, not my vehicle). And THAT is how I rang in the New Year. 

After sleeping a little bit, I managed to unpack 90% of my belongings, which I am very proud of considering all I wanted to do was sleep for the rest of my life. 

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So. Yes, I moved back home for a semester. *sigh* 

After living on my own for 4 months, this is going to be much different. It's different enough moving back in with your family, but I also had to leave friends I had gotten really close to over the time I was living there. I mean, when you don't have immediate family you're living with, you find people that truly become your family...and it's hard to leave them. I know I'll be fine but change is sometimes not completely accepted by me with open arms. I am an independent individual and so yes change is always somewhat exciting, but this change has been much harder-already- than I anticipated. 

But cheers to a New Year, new adventures, new memories, new people. 2015, I'm ready for ya. 

life.

so. it's been a while.

I'll catch you up:

I've been through an entire semester of school, and haven't blogged even once.

I started a new job in August (but will now be transferring to another store-differnt job in about a week).

I've made new friends.

I've cooked a lot.

And life has generally been good!

I am one of those people who is very excited that Christmas is over. The Christmas music stops playing, and rather than "Jingle Bell Rock" being on repeat at work I get to listen to "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" instead. It's a harsh reality, but worth the agony.

School starts up in a matter of a couple weeks, and hopefully I'll be able to fit in some fun before it all begins again!

This is life right now, and all I can dream about is being done with school, and being able to get my own place, and live life. And I need to stop, cause the ungratefulness starts to kick in.

Ok, update over, I'll be back soon-hopefully, no promises.

xo

Seasons.

Time will pass and seasons will come and go. 
Roy Bean

This quote could not be any more true to me than it is right now in this moment. About 10 minutes ago I was having to say goodbye to 2 of my best friends, and it hasn't hit me just yet. (Not really looking forward to when it does)

My last week home has been nothing but perfect. 
I went to a "going away party" complete with a taco bar, good conversation, and sopapilla cheesecake (don't try it unless you want to have your taste buds desire it the rest of your life).
I helped out at a church camp (something I do every year, and completely enjoy, and was thrilled to help even a few days this week).
My brother was in 4H this year and had a pig, so I followed him around a little bit at the fair. And of course I attending the rodeo, and of course it would pour rain (what else would the weather do when I haven't been to a rodeo in 7 years...of course it would rain!)

but the last two days. 
have been pure bliss.

yesterday a friend and I drove about 30 miles away to say goodbye to another friend, and long story very short had to wait around town for a while before we could go over to her house. those precious hours spent with my friend will not be easily forgotten. between fits of hysterical laughter, we managed to find a book sale-seriously the best money I have spent all summer. And an adorable soda shop that had a red-head soda jerk manager from Las Vegas, who wanted to do nothing more than talk our ears off, which we were delighted to let her do. and rounding off the day we were invited to supper, where of course we laughed (this friends and I have a natural knack for making anything "not that funny" seem hysterical, at least to each other). 

today I helped at camp, and eventually made my way home. then the rest of the day was filled with final goodbyes, starbucks, snow cones, livestock, dancing, and tiltawirl rides. and then the day ended with goodbyes. to be honest, those things just suck. I've had my share of them, and they don't get easier no matter what lies people tell you. 

today was a bombardment of "seasonal eyeopeners." between helping a two year old find flower for her mommy, watching my brother show his pig and hang out with his friends, spending time with two of my very best married couple friends, and seeing my best friends for one of the last times before we move. not to mention my friend is in labor to deliver her first child! it's all just mad! I can't believe I am at this point right now about to go off by myself, and say goodbye to friends and family, and be just me for a while. I never thought this would come, and I cannot believe it's here. when you leave somewhere, sometimes it may take a while to truly realize you love it. 

I love it here. I love the simplicity. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the little kids who know me, and tell me with glowing eyes all about their carnival rides. I love the freezing rain that drenches my rodeo watching evening. I love the random dancing my friends and I do. I love spontaneous trips to nearby cities, and finding a red-headed soda jerk who loves to talk as much as I do. I love family and friends being around a table eating and talking. I love my married friends and their growing families and feeling that friends' belly as her son moves around while we talk to him. I love getting dizzy on the tilitawirl one last before I move. I love making hysterical memories with my friends. and lastly I love the brokenness I'm allowing my heart to feel about saying goodbye to all these things, because I know that it's only for a season. 

thing have to change, and things have to go on. but I'll be back, and I know I will love this place every bit as much when I come back as I do right now. and yeah it sucks. but sometimes things have to change so you can appreciate them so much more. 

time's been sweet to me.

sometimes I don't understand myself. 

I love doing something for a season...then forget about it, or find "something better to do" 

and here I am again. 

hopefully for once I can try to stay consistent. 

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as I write this I am listening to "good in goodbye" by carrie underwood. 

which is a song about broken love. 

but it still-in a way- relates to me in this season of life. 

I am getting ready to move away from home. 

all I've known.

the friends I have.

my family. 

it's insane. 

I began to realize how much I love my little home here in Kansas. I love my friends. I love my church. I love my well spent time. The fact that in my little town there isn't much to do. So we have to be creative...we actually have to spend time together. 

cook.

clean. 

play cards.

watch movies. 

make popcorn. 

stargaze. 

coffee shops.

watch a sunset/sunrise.

summer.

fair. 

talk. 

walk. 

drive. 

parades. 

art walks. 

libraries. 

{these are a few of my favorite memories here}

all this is coming to an end. for now. 

I love learning new things about myself...when I do find something out about myself and I understand why I am designed that way it's easier to express myself. 

I know that I am an over planner. 

I am not always an over planner/over thinker. 

but I am sometimes. 

I have had to keep myself in check as this season has approached me. I know that I will definitely be gone for a couple years, if not more, and in thinking and planning ahead for the future. I still have to remember that God has plans. that far exceed mine. so I have to leave room for Him to do what He will. which is obviously hard...for an over planner. 

this season didn't come without trials. 

school can sometimes be a mess. 

I honestly don't think I have been "tested" more in my life than the last year. 

and some of the best advice I have heard this years was this:

just because bad things happen {or stressful things} doesn't mean God doesn't want you to do what you're doing. it just means that things happen. 

I grew up always thinking "God lets everything happen for a reason" 

which is true. 

but as I got older- for whatever reason- I always started looking for the "sign" in my trials. like...why God was letting something. It never donned on me...until I actually sat back and thought about it....

I live in a crappy world, and crappy stuff happens, that doesn't means Jesus loves me less, or I did something wrong, it means through it all He will be there. and I don't need to worry. 

that's hard pill for this over thinker to swallow. 

but slowly and surely.

the pill is being swallowed. 

Matthew 6:34(ESV)

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.