wanting what you can't have.

have you ever desperately wanted something--and you can't have it?

sometimes this is a curse of life. you want something badly, and you don't realize you wanted it so badly until you absolutely cannot attain it in any way. and then you're heartbroken and desperate and searching for a way to make it work, make it happen, make it what you want it to be-- not what it turned out to be.
you convince yourself that you're not insane as your thoughts are consumed with what's being swept away from you.
but you don't dare open your mouth and speak what you're feeling because then it's real. more real than you ever wanted it to be. and in that moment, you know you have to accept it. whether it's the hardest thing you do or not.

"too often, the thing you want most

is the one thing you can't have. 

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. 

Desire can wreck your life. 

But as though as wanting something can be, 

the people who suffer the most 

are those who don't know what they want." 

Back to school.

I'm sitting here on the floor of my apartment--printing of syllabus'/ coursework schedules. My bag of laundry is ready and waiting for our departure to the laundry mat in the morning. And I'm just amazed that today was my first day back to school.
I don't think I could have fit anything more in my schedule today.
I went to school for 6 hours. (saw tons of familiar faces which is awesome)
Did some homework.
Then went to a school picnic.
And literally stayed on campus until after 11pm tonight. Just hanging out and helping a friend order books.

Do you ever really just have moments though that you step back after a day and say "how in the world did I get all this done...in one day?!" Those are my feelings right now. It's crazy. Anyhow, just thought I would drop an update for anyone who cares to know that my first day back to school was a success. I'm stoked for the semester for sure!

xoxo

Moving!

I've moved!

I'm so excited about moving--I have my own little apartment, and I've loved being able to come home to it! I'm not someone that people would ever call an introvert or a hermit by any means, but I do love coming home to my quiet little apartment and chilling out after work/school/etc. But, I also love that I can have people over and we can hang out in a good space!

School starts in a week and I'm oddly ready for it. In the 15+ years that I've gone to school I don't think I've ever been ready for it to start--but this year is different and I am ready. I think I'm more ready for a steady routine rather than just feeling like my life is floating every which way at the flip of a switch.

Something that's awesome about my move here is that two of my best friends are here also. These people make me more...well (cliche line coming up) me. They truly know me and my heart and desires and they bring that out in me, and I appreciate it more than they will ever know.
I think having a diverse group of friends is amazing. You can truly know what you believe in and things you a passionate about if you step out of your comfort zone and explore new things. But I think it's good to have your closest friends be people that constantly challenge and inspire you. These friends are completely that for me. All the time, and sometimes they don't even know that what they are doing inspires me to be better, which I think is the coolest part by far. Having a lot of friends is good and knowing different people and cultures can be really rewarding, but making sure that you always have a "second family" as I call them to come back to is the most rewarding thing of all I think.

Honesty.

I am a very blunt gal.

and (shocker) I'm completely over the moon about it.

I think in our society a woman that speakers her mind and is very truly honest is sometimes looked down on, or seen as rude, or unladylike etc. Which I think can be true, if their honesty is delivered in a wrong way.
Being honest and blunt is something I really cherish about my personality. Some people might think that's an interesting quality to be really excited about but being these things helps me communicate well, and people know if they ask me something-they're going to get an honest answer.

I had a woman from my church ask me if I wanted to go clothes shopping with her, and at the end of the shopping she turned to me and said that she likes taking me and only a couple other ladies shopping because we give her honest opinions of how the clothes look on her...not just what she wants to hear.

Our society is all about telling people what they want to hear. Or catering to people's opinions. We don't like conflict, so we don't stand up for ourselves/others, and we let other rule what we do.

It's ok to be honest. 
It's alright for you to speak your mind.
It's right to stand up for yourself and others. 

I believe being honest can also help you communicate well. Communication in our world is everything. Literally. Everything.
Everyone knows that person on Facebook that made a fool of themselves because they posted something controversial and the world went crazy. 90% of the time I would say it's because they didn't communicate well, or in an ignorant way.

I know that my communication has grown (in a positive way) between my parents and I-because instead of just getting upset and hanging up, walking off, etc, I finally just was like "this is what's upsetting me, this is why, etc." Being blunt is ok. It's the best way to people to actually know what you're thinking/feeling.

BUT. (there's always a caveat:a warning or proviso of specific stipulations, conditions, or limitations) {I included the definition because sometimes I use that word and I get deer in the headlights look}

Hear me here.

Just because you're honest, it does not mean everyone else in your life is going to be honest too. (Specifically in relationships) Just because you stand up and speak your mind and speak out for others, does not mean it's going to be received well.

That's the hardest part about being an honest person I think. It's not always received well, and it's not always reciprocated.
But the few times it is, it's glorious! Communicating in an honest way is something I believe everyone subconsciously wants--but never makes it happen. Instead we play the "you guess" game. {you know the one where we don't say what's upsetting us, and expect our partners, family members, and friends to "know what you did wrong."}

I hate this game.
It's a pointless game.
That does NO GOOD.
(LADIES--it doesn't do anything healthy for your relationships)

We do this I think because we want to be understood--to the max.

and people.

no matter how much time you spend with someone--this does not mean they are magically over time going to be able to read your mind. 

we are an evolving culture.
we change all the time--that's ok!

Communicating and being honest with people in your life doesn't mean you have to be an open book. However (at least in my life) I felt a lot better about myself when I started being honest and telling people what I thought. Don't shy away from who you are and what you think. Because there really is truly not one person on the planet like you.