wanting what you can't have.

have you ever desperately wanted something--and you can't have it?

sometimes this is a curse of life. you want something badly, and you don't realize you wanted it so badly until you absolutely cannot attain it in any way. and then you're heartbroken and desperate and searching for a way to make it work, make it happen, make it what you want it to be-- not what it turned out to be.
you convince yourself that you're not insane as your thoughts are consumed with what's being swept away from you.
but you don't dare open your mouth and speak what you're feeling because then it's real. more real than you ever wanted it to be. and in that moment, you know you have to accept it. whether it's the hardest thing you do or not.

"too often, the thing you want most

is the one thing you can't have. 

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. 

Desire can wreck your life. 

But as though as wanting something can be, 

the people who suffer the most 

are those who don't know what they want." 

Back to school.

I'm sitting here on the floor of my apartment--printing of syllabus'/ coursework schedules. My bag of laundry is ready and waiting for our departure to the laundry mat in the morning. And I'm just amazed that today was my first day back to school.
I don't think I could have fit anything more in my schedule today.
I went to school for 6 hours. (saw tons of familiar faces which is awesome)
Did some homework.
Then went to a school picnic.
And literally stayed on campus until after 11pm tonight. Just hanging out and helping a friend order books.

Do you ever really just have moments though that you step back after a day and say "how in the world did I get all this done...in one day?!" Those are my feelings right now. It's crazy. Anyhow, just thought I would drop an update for anyone who cares to know that my first day back to school was a success. I'm stoked for the semester for sure!

xoxo

Moving!

I've moved!

I'm so excited about moving--I have my own little apartment, and I've loved being able to come home to it! I'm not someone that people would ever call an introvert or a hermit by any means, but I do love coming home to my quiet little apartment and chilling out after work/school/etc. But, I also love that I can have people over and we can hang out in a good space!

School starts in a week and I'm oddly ready for it. In the 15+ years that I've gone to school I don't think I've ever been ready for it to start--but this year is different and I am ready. I think I'm more ready for a steady routine rather than just feeling like my life is floating every which way at the flip of a switch.

Something that's awesome about my move here is that two of my best friends are here also. These people make me more...well (cliche line coming up) me. They truly know me and my heart and desires and they bring that out in me, and I appreciate it more than they will ever know.
I think having a diverse group of friends is amazing. You can truly know what you believe in and things you a passionate about if you step out of your comfort zone and explore new things. But I think it's good to have your closest friends be people that constantly challenge and inspire you. These friends are completely that for me. All the time, and sometimes they don't even know that what they are doing inspires me to be better, which I think is the coolest part by far. Having a lot of friends is good and knowing different people and cultures can be really rewarding, but making sure that you always have a "second family" as I call them to come back to is the most rewarding thing of all I think.

Honesty.

I am a very blunt gal.

and (shocker) I'm completely over the moon about it.

I think in our society a woman that speakers her mind and is very truly honest is sometimes looked down on, or seen as rude, or unladylike etc. Which I think can be true, if their honesty is delivered in a wrong way.
Being honest and blunt is something I really cherish about my personality. Some people might think that's an interesting quality to be really excited about but being these things helps me communicate well, and people know if they ask me something-they're going to get an honest answer.

I had a woman from my church ask me if I wanted to go clothes shopping with her, and at the end of the shopping she turned to me and said that she likes taking me and only a couple other ladies shopping because we give her honest opinions of how the clothes look on her...not just what she wants to hear.

Our society is all about telling people what they want to hear. Or catering to people's opinions. We don't like conflict, so we don't stand up for ourselves/others, and we let other rule what we do.

It's ok to be honest. 
It's alright for you to speak your mind.
It's right to stand up for yourself and others. 

I believe being honest can also help you communicate well. Communication in our world is everything. Literally. Everything.
Everyone knows that person on Facebook that made a fool of themselves because they posted something controversial and the world went crazy. 90% of the time I would say it's because they didn't communicate well, or in an ignorant way.

I know that my communication has grown (in a positive way) between my parents and I-because instead of just getting upset and hanging up, walking off, etc, I finally just was like "this is what's upsetting me, this is why, etc." Being blunt is ok. It's the best way to people to actually know what you're thinking/feeling.

BUT. (there's always a caveat:a warning or proviso of specific stipulations, conditions, or limitations) {I included the definition because sometimes I use that word and I get deer in the headlights look}

Hear me here.

Just because you're honest, it does not mean everyone else in your life is going to be honest too. (Specifically in relationships) Just because you stand up and speak your mind and speak out for others, does not mean it's going to be received well.

That's the hardest part about being an honest person I think. It's not always received well, and it's not always reciprocated.
But the few times it is, it's glorious! Communicating in an honest way is something I believe everyone subconsciously wants--but never makes it happen. Instead we play the "you guess" game. {you know the one where we don't say what's upsetting us, and expect our partners, family members, and friends to "know what you did wrong."}

I hate this game.
It's a pointless game.
That does NO GOOD.
(LADIES--it doesn't do anything healthy for your relationships)

We do this I think because we want to be understood--to the max.

and people.

no matter how much time you spend with someone--this does not mean they are magically over time going to be able to read your mind. 

we are an evolving culture.
we change all the time--that's ok!

Communicating and being honest with people in your life doesn't mean you have to be an open book. However (at least in my life) I felt a lot better about myself when I started being honest and telling people what I thought. Don't shy away from who you are and what you think. Because there really is truly not one person on the planet like you.

Half Realist. Half Creative.

I'm a rare breed. I know I am, and that's just fine with me! People who know me well straight up tell me I'm weird.
Once I declared my interest in a man and he didn't feel the same-howevever he said he felt I was "interesting and had a unique personality that's hard to find" which I in turn translated as "you're kinda weird, but you're fun to hang around." Therefore we are still friends.
But. I was sitting around thinking-as you do- and I came to the conclusion...I'm half realist, half creative.

Which I think is just the most awesome! Sometimes though it's crazy and I think my friends may think that I'm emotionally bipolar because I can be cool as a cucumber about something and be thinking rationally-and in the next breath my imagination goes crazy and there's all kinda grey color running around and the black and white is right out the door.

It's fascinating to learn about myself though. Have you ever done that? Just sat back and thought about yourself and your personality and how you handle things?

This is coming from a single woman, so take this for a grain of salt if you want, but how much does this change our relationships? I'm imagining that someday when I do find a man (a brawny man of a man of course) my relationship with him will be so much better than if I hadn't found this out about myself.

I know that in some situations I am very much a realist. Take dating for example: I'm a single 22 (almost) year old woman. I have lots of married friends and therefore I can think about dating a lot. I even have a desire to date. Sometimes I get caught up in that, seeking, wondering why I don't have a boyfriend (or beau as my mom says-I hate that word). is there something wrong with me? should I change this/that about myself? etc etc etc. And then comes the "poor me, I'm going to be the old cat lady (I hate cats, so unlikely) etc etc etc" and I get caught in the emotions and feelings of "being alone while everyone has a someone." {if you haven't caught on....this was the emotional/creative in me}

[in comes the realist] No. Dude. You're a single. 22 (almost) year old college student. You are independent. You love exploring. You work. You have school. Where on God's green earth would you find the time to spend to seriously date? And that's just it. I would not have the time. So why worry about something that would add complication to my life.

{now let's take a break and let me define my terms here- I'm not in any way insinuating that having a significant other has to be complicated/or brings complication. However. With my busy life I'm afraid that's what it would be. and I would never want to put myself in a position where I would consider it an obligation to spend time with someone I was interested in. That being said, I'm not saying I wouldn't ever date in college...I just would be pretty blunt to whomever I was swooning over that I am a student working and paying for her own stuff and that has to come first--which is probably why I'm single}

So yes. I very much would like a boyfriend. But right now, probably isn't the best time to try and foster a relationship.

Example 2: I've alway been a very emotionally driven individual {creative} (more than I thought) and this spilled into, you guessed it, how I argue. I was getting upset with how I let myself fly off the handle sometimes and so I sat myself down once and was thinking about a different way to approach when I get upset. [realist] And I realized that whomever I may have a disagreement with...is someone who loves me. Deep down that person cares for me and no matter what they say I know they love me. And I need to respond in love to that person, not whatever words may fly out of their mouths.

I love being a realist/creative. I dream big. And I find ways that help me achieve those dreams. I plan. and I get things done. I have a great imagination...that never seemed to die after childhood. I find beauty in the simplest of things. And I love being me in every situation. Realist. or Creative.

Me.

I'm nearly 22, which is a short amount of life to live in the grand scheme of things. But in my short life I have recently realized there is a particular way that people expect me to do things. And recently I've realized that I don't like that at all.
at all.

It's not that people have unambitious expectations of me. And it's not that people don't like what I've decided to do with my life. They just seem to have a very specific idea of what they think I should do, or what they want me to do, and it's not at all what I want.

Sometimes it is interesting to see what other people thought I would do. But it's not when it's delivered in a "I know better than you" type of attitude.

Basically.

It's nice when people actually want to know what you're interested in, and what you want...rather than what you're interested in so they can plan your life for you.

capeesh?

xo

the overflow.

divorce is such a hard thing. I'm not one that has ever had to experience it first hand. I have been mightily blessed in that respect. But tonight I witnessed one of the saddest things that is an overflow of divorce.

I have a friend-whom I think a lot of- he's very hard working, very sweet and tender hearted. But tonight I saw-for only a moment- the face of a man, one that I look up to, become full of sadness and pain.
As we were sitting one of his parents began to "bad mouth" their former spouse.
In front of all of us.
I could see the pain written all over my friend and it broke my heart for him. I wish that I could take the pain from many of my friends that deal with the same thing day in and day out. Feeling as if they have no voice because what if they offend their parent for speaking up for the other parent?

Families are broken, children are hurting, and as a friend, it is so hard to sit back and watch and be able to do absolutely nothing.

Oh my heart so desperately wished I could pause that moment, and replay it, and have that parent watch everything that went on in all of 30 seconds. But life doesn't come with a pause button.
We do things we regret.
We say things we don't mean.
And we have to live with it.
Whether that means we suck it up and make it right...
Or let our pride drift us from the ones we love.

xoxo