College.

oh my goodness, in hopes of making this post short i will jump right in....

this weekend i was blessed with the privilege of visiting Kansas State University. with a full tank of gas and an excited heart i set out with a friend to visit the biggest college i have visited to date.


HOLE. E. COW! what a beautiful campus! if you haven't seen it, look up pictures! it's beautiful. and although the school is home to 25,000 students it does not feel that large at all. (although my jaw did drop when i saw Hale Library, which is every definition of the word massive. it has five floors! i was pretty much in awe)

while visiting my friend and i got to be part of "campus life" by going to a musical (which my friend got the lead role in and i couldn't be more proud! he was phenomenal) and then we also got to go to a men's basketball game....although KSU lost by 2 to UNC, it was still a good experience.

from the bookstore and donut shop, to the deli and coffee shop, it's easy to understand why Aggeville is such a great location in Manhattan. it was lovely.

after visiting, we saw my grandparents and then traveled to sterling kansas and got a cup of coffee from  the Broadway Market...it was bliss. simply put.

after this weekend of adventures i enjoyed the presence of some of my dearest friends and then proceeded to drive home...once i got home at 12.30am the reality of my weekend extravaganza hit me hard....now all i want to do is sleep...but homework calls me....as usual...so away i go.

my dear.

i am absolutely in love with this day! after having my wisdom teeth out this weekend, i have been "taking it easy." which for me just means i haven't been working. today i had school and then went about the town. i went to starbucks, and went to a local clothing store. as well as the much-have-trip to walmart. i then went around the town snapping photos for a video i have to put together.

i discovered a song that my ears cannot stop listening to! it's a worship song with kind of a folksy tune to it. banjo. accordion. the whole bit. i love it!

so here i am listening to it, while drinking a cup of coffee. {decaf of course, i don't need to stay up all night}

my dear.<< This is the song

beauty.

being generally lazy for more than 2 days can wear on a girl. i had my wisdom teeth taken out, and although i am happy i have been able to "catch up" on some sleep, it gets old really quickly. through all this though, i have thoroughly enjoyed watching Andy Griffith, and doing some school work, and applying for different school etc. i have also crocheted. a lot. and i have loved every moment the Lord has blessed me with.

finding yourself.

over the last few weeks i have realized something about myself. many of my posts i have mentioned busyness. i have realized busyness is part of who i am. i love the busyness.

i get overwhelmed. and challenged. and busy. and i love it.

i don't like having nothing to do. i don't like relaxing to much. i don't like not learning new things. i love the adventure. i love the thrill. i love being successful and pushing myself to succeed.

it's fun learning things about yourself.
what you like.
what you don't.
what you want.
what your dreams are.
where you want to go.
what you want to be.
what you love.

there is such beauty in finding yourself.

such is life.

honestly, i am surprised i didn't blog before this. although the summer time festivities and the beginning of school can catch anyone off guard.

so summer was quick. filled with wonderful weather. music. friendships. and the majority of time at work, but that's no fun to talk about...

starting school started new adventures. i started working as a barista the week before school. i adore it. absolutely and utterly adore it. although i am still learning.
school is school. business classes can be interesting, although i would much prefer them if they were in a less heated environment considering the air conditioning is not working. feeling sweat run down your face is not pleasant while trying to pay attention to the professor.

church has been growing. we started a service on saturdays, which will hopefully attract many of my peers. in time we shall see.

amidst all this. my mind just wanders. i just want to know what i am going to be doing in a year from now. however do people survive this unknowingness of being an adult? it drives me mad. it was easy growing up. school seemed like it would never end. and here is my end. plus a year. almost two. sometimes i wish God would just give me a preview of what i will be doing. just so i can know.

such is life. the unknowingness. so i guess i will just continue to live. live the way i know how. school. work. church. crocheting. reading. listening to dean martin. journaling. studying. blogging. coffee. tea. playing music. friends.
and generally trying to get to the years where i know i am supposed to be.

sundays.

i know i post on sundays a lot. but of any other day of the week i love this day the most. and apparently it is my most eventful day of the week.

today was wonderful. in every way. last night i was up, wondering and pondering some things. and today. shocker. what i was thinking about was what pastor spoke about. i was able to be a part of the worship team. which is always a blessing. after church i got to go to our pastors house with some other friends and then i helped with youth group. and went to a movie.

by far though, the best part of the night was with my friend jeni. she is so sweet. and loves the Lord with a pure heart. she and i were discussing what we really thought the Lord was calling us to. she so blessed me tonight. at one point she wanted to show me a worship song "Oceans" by Hillsong (it's fantastic) and she asked if it was alright if we just turned off the light. and just focused on Him. what a blessing it is to have friends that desire to seek His face with you.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 
Let me walk upon the waters, where ever You would call me. 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior.

"Oceans"

dead end.

i am at one of those points in life where i am standing at a dead end of the road i am so used to traveling, and i either have to choose to go left or right. decisions like this one only come so many times in life. i mean this is a big decision. the choice i make now will probably alter what will happen with my career.

for years my heart has only longed to do one thing. music. it's what i have always wanted to do. always. i love it, i love learning, and blessing people with my gift. i have dreamt of living in a little cabin near the mountains, where i can take a blanket, a guitar, a pen and paper, and make my words come to life through music. i suppose i just lived in the fantasy for the majority of my life. it is my dream.

over the last year since entering college i have thought to myself you need a real job. for a period i wanted to be a doctor. the idea of helping people, and being able to serve them sounds perfect to me. so i began this journey to becoming a doctor. right now i work at a nursing home, and i have been involved in the medical field for the last three years.

but i always have nights like tonight. where i question myself. would i be happy as a doctor? could i handle it? if i went into music, what else would i do? would i still be writing and singing when i am fifty? would i even make money at all?

the biggest question.

what does God want me to do? am i supposed to do either of these at all?

i hate this feeling. of not knowing. i absolutely hate it. because my heart has felt it for so long. my heart knows what it wants and desires. but my mind tells me something else.